Ironically enough after my recent blog rant about how different my life is compared to one and two years ago, i stood in my old kitchen and reminisced with people from my past.
It was a high emotions day. I studied all morning for my marketing mid term exam and almost cried 4 times while being quizzed by my classmates as practice. I didn't think i knew the material well enough but after two hours of multiple choice, short answer and essay questions, i think i did really well on the exam.
My life goal is to be a great event planner, one test does not determine if i can do it.
I had a few more things on my mind though. My ex-sister in law was home for a few nights from Italy. She's been gone over a year and i was finally going to get to see her.
So after the exam, i drove an hour out of the city to my old town. i didn't need to check on my GPS, i just put on my iPod and let my reflex drive me there. As i drove, i remembered the past. I remembered the family that had basically adopted me and the routine of living in a small town and knowing everyone. There are some really good memories. I wondered how i would react to seeing Sofia. I was fairly certain i would not cry. I missed her very much but i thought i had stabilized my emotions for the night. I was pretty wrong how ever, i stepped in the door and hugged my ex and his girlfriend, our mutual friend Max, and then my ex mother in law who's jaw dropped and she exclaimed my name in shock. It was nice to see everyone. I felt my chin start to quiver.
I made my way across the kitchen saying hi to everyone and giving hugs, i was greeted with so much joy and warmth. i was a little worried about people reactions from not having seen me in two years, but everyone was just as wonderful as the last time i saw them. And then i fell on Sofia. We had been skyping the whole time she was gone, updating each other on everything that was going on; crying together over laptops sharing secrets and being able to be completely honest with each other about being lonely. Her all the way in italy and me alone downtown trying my best to be an adult.
She ran over grinning ear to ear. We jumped at each other and just hugged for a good 3 minutes, it was only a few seconds in that we both lost it and starting balling. I guess i hadn't put much thought into how big of a part of my life she was. She had become closer to me that a friend, she had become my sister. It was right then that i felt how much i really missed her company. When i lived there we spent a lot of time together.
It stung. It stung pretty bad. I got dizzy and i was glad she was hanging on to me so tight. The house smelt the same and there were facing looking at me that i saw every day, and then suddenly did not see anymore. It was like getting into a time machine. I tried to control my breathing so i could look at her face. i pulled away and inspected her at arms length. She looked the same. My little baby sister was still the same Sofia. We hugged again and then joined everyone at the kitchen table. Everyone else had started crying too when they saw us reunited. It was really sweet.
The night was fantastic. i caught up with lots of old friends. we drank good wine and had great chats. Everyone was happy and in a celebration mood. We told jokes and talked about some big events that had happened within the last couple years. I knew by 11:45 that i should really get back to the city. i had work early in the morning. I did not want to leave though. I fought my legs very hard on getting up and putting on my coat. I forced them to march around the house and say my farewell to everyone. my ex and his new girlfriend, who is too sweet. They make a lovely couple.
I got back in my car and barely made it out of the driveway before breaking down again. I missed everyone already. It's okay to want to keep old friends, and it doesn't mean your hanging on to the past, it just means that you appreciate someones company.
Humans need companionship. Its a simple fact.
I miss having a family.
I'm still in the process of discovering myself, and what i really want in life. But these last couple of months have been a big eye opener to the fact that i'm done with being single. I am emotionally over the idea of being "free". Because what good is being free when you spend most of your time wishing you had someone by your side to share life experiences with.
There have been so many hints lately that i'm ready to take a new step.
Friends that have been single for years that are now in really great relationships, moving in with their boyfriends, even getting engaged.
I guess this is how the universe wanted me to learn this.
I told myself two years ago when i started my journey of moving downtown that my dream was to live alone in my apartment and really live the life of the single girl.
Mission accomplished.
And now that i know, i know that i can move on and look for the person thats going to help me grow even further into myself. I've changed so much over the last couple of years and have discovered so many aspects of my personality i did not know existed, and i plan on continuing down this road, but i would like to do it with someone by my side.
Someone to walk next to me, on their own path. But a path heading in the same direction.
I'm ready to meet someone that will blow my mind. Someone to sweep me off my feet. Someone that gives me butterflies. Someone that will love every part of me. I want to find someone i can look in the eye and wonder how such a perfect creation exits. How there could be another being on this planet that complements me so well and that i can complement just as well.
i guess i want to find my soul mate.
speak soon xo
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