I've changed

Through my marketing class, I've learnt the importance of branding and marketing.

since this class, I've started noticing a lot more how i brand and market myself.

on the outside i like to portray a feminine playful woman, 

until we sit down and start talking and the driven, goal oriented beast shows up.

I've been given the word intimidating on multiple occasions recently, and i wanted to sit and and think about why that is.

It makes sense: i'm young, smart, fit, put myself together well, I'm living in my own apartment with my own vehicle and paying my away through school by doing what ever job i can get my hands on.

All with my head held high. 

*beyonce's run the world song comes to mind right about now*

If i think back to Two years ago my situation was

living in a small town with my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years 

working as a dish washer at the restaurant he cheffed at. 

we went to movies on weekends, went shopping together,

took his dog out for nature walks.

we cooked together and then watched tv together.

I was happy in the moment, but the second i stepped back, i knew i had to leave.

so i did.

One year ago i 

moved downtown with my boss/friend to intern as a fashion blogger.

i got to do montreal fashion week, and take a trip to toronto and then new york fashion week.

i met a whole bunch of celebrities and thought i was about to take over the world.

i was also happy in the moment, until i stepped back and saw i was being swallowed up by the fashion world. then i got a job in a restaurant and started dating a handsome young man that showed me how to stand on my own two feet.

Today i feel 

i am the strongest i have ever been. i'm doing amazing on my own, first time with no man in my life for a really long time. i work full time, go to school full time and love working out.

but like anyone i have good days and bad days.

i'm just having a hard time deciding which is which.

there are some days that i get up, have a good breakfast, go train, go to school and then go out for drink with my girls and i pick out a man and turn him into nothing, and use him.

there are some days that i get up and don't want to eat, and spend the day moving from my bed, to my couch to my kitchen table. Trying to mute the world and my conscience telling me to go do something. I spend the whole day on my computer numbing my brain with youtube, Facebook, twitter, instagram, pintrest. All the best time wasters. i'll try to watch movies, but quickly lose focus and turn it off.

there are some days i get up and feel happy. i feel like I'm ready to conquer the world. i go to work, i go train, i go to school, then i go home and watch a movie and fall asleep feeling like i've accomplished so much in one day.

but no matter what kind of day it is, my marketing class has taught me that a very basic human NEED

(not want or demand, a basic human need)

Is affection.

and that seems to be the missing link in any scenario.

but i'm not sure how to go about getting it. I'm too focussed on moving forward.

i don't want to back to an ex because I'm stubborn, but I'm stuck because i can't find a connection with anyone new.

and i fight myself a lot on my number of sexual partners.

sometimes i have these weird out of body experiences where I'm absolutely fine with hooking up with someone random, and then ill sit for a second and wonder what I'm doing.

i don't feel like myself, or maybe i've changed and i just have to get used to how i am now?

today i'm feeling worn down.

I've gone over this topic way too many times on my blog and WAY WAY too many times in my mind. 

my only cure is to have a latte and go to the gym. i know i will instantly feel better.

maybe if i post more often, ill sort out my brain?

ill try it out. wish me luck.

speak soon xo