Dat Wagon Doe

Well its safe to say i fell back off the wagon. 

Fell off and rolled into a ditch.

And that ditch happened to be the entrance to the sewer.

To which i crawled in to.

Spending the summer single again. It was my choice ultimately though. I made some decision that brought me into that situation, and i accept it. I know it was for the best anyways.

But perhaps i could of spared myself a little damage.

Living every day by the YOLO standards.

Meeting with strangers on tinder

Accepting all kinds of free drinks

Getting into limousines with people i just met

Dancing with Molly

Drinking wine and doing a fetish photo shoot in a hotel room

After hour parties going until past sunrise

The night I was Rick James

Bar hopping, ending up in dive bars taking shots with people i don't know their names

Going home with strangers

Going home with couples

Drinking to the point of black out

Having good enough friends to carry me out of the bar

Worrying everyone around me to the point they reported me missing to the police

I fell off. I fell off and rolled and rolled.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed, because there are parts of the day that i smile and laugh.

But I do know i have a lot of work to do.

I drown myself in substance to escape that fact.

My most guilty substances would be

men, work, intoxicating substances and sports.

Sports obviously being the least harmful. But in the case of going for multiple runs in the day because i don't want to keep thinking, id rather focus on the pain in my legs and the hardness of my breathing than to sit down and ask myself the hard questions.

Im working 4 shifts waitressing.

Doing kick boxing

Im the new event coordinator for a blog which gets me access to all kinds of parties and events

I adore it. 

Going into the office twice a week

Sleep, eat, see friends and family.

School full time in two weeks.

Theres not a lot of think time in there.

But i've decided to slowly illuminate the harmful substances I've been hiding in. 

Sitting at my computer listening to soft music drinking a healthy green smoothie feels so strange to me now. Me, who was so health conscious. I guess you live and you learn, and I've been learning a lot. Knowing when to take it easy is something I'm working on.

until then, I do what I can. 

I only know what i know.