im too attainable

Yep. I am certain of this.

For the third time in this relationship, i just had a really rough conversation.

Everything i thought of, and feared turned out to be true.

As a Pisces, or maybe just woman's intuition, i'm pretty good at feeling out people and situations. 

And for the last two weeks all i feel is doubt.

i doubt my job and career

and i especially doubt my relationship.

I put so much pressure on myself to be better that sometimes it's not even fair.

When i met my boyfriend i was at my goal body, i had awesome hair and skin and i was in a career field that i loved and i had drive. i lived with passion, and because we just met i played a game with him.

i was the woman who had it all and he couldn't even think of getting this.

but it was just a game, and i knew right away if he worked hard enough that he could and i was pretty certain that he would.

and he did and i've done nothing but lose my sense of confidence and everything else went with it.

career, body, hair, skin.

if i had it then, i dont have it anymore.

and i can only blame myself. and i do which might be the worse part.

the more upset i am about each factor, the worse it gets.

we are now 5 months in and about one week ago i had the hugest sense of panic.

I let him it.

completely in.

there is no going back.

I'm in love with him and i cant deny it.

but is he in love with me?

he says so, and i know him well enough to know that he really means it when he says it.

he's not lied to me about his emotions ever. say what you want but i know he doesn't lie to me.

Some days i feel it so well and i love those days.

most of the time if i could crawl into his skin and live there i would, but thats creepy and i will pretend like i didn't just admit that.

but luckily there are days when i feel he would do the same.

for two weeks though all i feel is that im trying to hold on. and the more i try to hold on, the more im squeezing him away.

i'm vulnerable.

 way too vulnerable and it makes me panic.

all i do is stress myself.

why would he want me?

i dont look or act like the person he fell for.

i look at him like he's some god that i don't deserve.

the roles have completely changed.

he told me that we should spend more time apart because he misses the feeling of wanting me so bad.

he still wants me but i've let him know that no matter what, i will be in his bed at night.

and it's absolutely my own fault.

he doesn't need to work at the relationship anymore because i'm there.

i silently agreed to be by his side all the time.

when i'm work i think about the moment i get to see him again.

and he hasn't felt that in a little while.

My last relationship took 5 years to get to this point, and i've managed to fast forward the process where i become too attainable in 5 months this time.

i've always been that way though.

with my best friend, she had a job and a boyfriend and full time school and i did shit all, so when she called me, i was always there doing nothing and available.

and i got boring. 

i had a fall out with one of my best friends in highschool because every time i was with her she said all i had to talk about was my boyfriend and i was so mad about it, all i had to say was "well i dont do anything else, so how can i have anything else to talk about?"

well why the fuck didnt i do anything else?

i could have taken a dance class or took up a sport or something.

i let myself be boring.

i put the people i love before myself and end up losing the knowledge of what i love to do for myself.

and every few months when something knocks me back awake i realize i just lost a few months.

and all i did was make sure the other person was happy.

what do i even like to do??

i dont have a clue. my boyfriend asked me what mades me happy 

and i couldn't answer anything really valid.

my answer was:

puppies

babies

him

being challenged at something and pulling it off.

i dont have a puppy or a baby (and this is no time to have either)

i have him, but from the way i've been he doesn't quite want me like he would like to.

and i work as a breakfast waitress.

if i had some kind of vision of how my life would be from last january when i thought i would own the world, i lost it. and don't know where it is.

i need to get a new job, one that challenges me.

either get the fuck over my weight or actually put 100% effort into it.

i've been going to the gym on my days off but my mind is not totally in it.

how do you make someone feel like they could lose you, without making them actually think theyre going to lose you, while looking and feeling hot and having your own busy life but balancing work and play?

does it exist?

i cant play the game anymore. i'm too far in. i cant pretend like i dont want to be with him 24-7.

if i start to pretend im okay without him, ill end up being okay without him and where would that leave me? i dont even understand the point of a relationship if you dont want them all the time.

why are you with someone then?

i think its fantastic to have your own hobbies apart from each other so you have things to do on your own and then come back to talk about but theres a really fine line between enjoying time apart to enjoy the time together and enjoying time apart that you dont really need to come back together.

with my ex, i used to have this awful feeling every couple of months that i should get in my car and drive away and change my name and identity and just start over.

i hadnt had that feeling since i left him and i thought i solved the problem, but i went for lunch alone on tuesday and the feeling rushed back just as bad as i had it before.

what the fuck does that even mean???

do i just run away and start new?

what happens if i meet someone else and end up falling for them and then the real me comes out and i once again put them infront of me and boom, im too attainable and then boom, they dont want me either.

what happens if i do run away, and find myself and everything is clear, and i come back to my whole world upside down?

i was straight up told if i left him, he would get over me as soon as he could.

which is great, i wouldnt want anyone to dwell over me. it's a worse feeling then myself dwelling over someone.

but then if he's already thought of what he would do if i left, does that mean he's on watch for me maybe leaving him and he'll jump the gun and do it first?

actually typing that out i just realized that we had that conversation, and the answer is yes. he's also told me that sometimes he worries ill leave him and he doesnt want to be hurt so he would want to leave me, but last time we had that talk he said that he's working on getting over it.

but that brings me back to the fact that i let him get comfortable.

i told him "i'm not going anywhere"

so in trying to get him to get over the fear of losing me, to try and get his head 100% in this,

i got him too confident that im sticking around, and now he's anxious about it and came just short of saying he wants out.

but he said he doesn't want out though, he just wants me to be the confident girl he knows i can be.

but theres so much god damn pressure on me now i feel like im drowning.

pressure from myself first of all, i want to find my happiness again.

i miss it. i miss having something to get up for in the morning.

i miss doing my hair and makeup to go hostess (but shit i hated being a hostess)

i just missing having a purpose.

right now my purpose is my boyfriend and fuck that makes me want to barf on myself.

i dont want to be one of those girls.

how did i get here?

how do i get out?

or more like how do i get half out?

 back up to the point where i was happy to see him but still able to have normal activity?

can you step back your emotions?

i feel like no...

i hate waking up early to go serve breakfast. i'm not passionate about it and it's just hard for me to swallow it every morning and go do it because it's paying my rent.

where do i even start??

i feel overwhelmed.

i dont know a single relationship that has managed to stay fresh and exciting.

but is that because people are lazy and got comfortable and stopped trying or

is it just because getting comfortable is inevitable and i can either hope he gets it or we can drag this thing on as long as possible.

but im afraid of losing my time.

i just did a long term relationship and for a long time i was pretty sure this was the guy i was going to marry and have a family and all that jazz with. but things changed. 

what if things change with this one too?

if i'm going to be committed to this and let myself be vulnerable and admit to it and let him in, and let him know he's in and he can pretty much stomp on me at any time and i cant really do much about it, i would kind of appreciate the same feelings back?

can i do that? can i ask for someone to be vulnerable and let me in to play with their heart if i wish to do so? 

i have accomplished nothing with this blog post. i still question everything and i dont have the "okay i puked out my emotions" feeling. i just made myself vulnerable on the internet as well.

i feel a salmon swimming against the current, not even knowing if there is something at the end.

just swimming as hard as i can, trying to stay alive.

im going to go continue to not sleep in bed.

i just want to be wanted like i want.

and i just need to be needed like i need.

thats a song isnt it... almost.