I feel so hurt right now. Part of it is things i've created in my own mind but most of it is just straight up honesty thats been dished out to me. and by someone that was high on my list of importance to me. I feel like i cant ever escape good things coming to bite me in the ass. Its like every time i try to do something good for someone else, theres some kind of negative side that comes up more apparent then the good.
My boyfriend broke his arm two weeks ago. At first we both underestimated how long it would take to heal. He expected to be back at work within two weeks and i thought we would get a good two weeks to cuddle in bed and watch movies and have real good talks. Two things that i had been missing from our relationship as of late since we both started working full time in december and then spent christmas time bouncing from family to family always together physically but i was really missing the mental connection that i loved so much about our relationship. We always know what each other are thinking and feeling and its such a great things to have because it makes verbal communication much easier.
Recently its been lacking a little but i told myself after the holidays things would settle down and go back to normal. and then with his broken arm i was really confident this would give us the time we needed to re-connect. wrong. At first, things were amazing. We were so affectionate and i got to cook for him and take care of him and he could come kiss me on the neck and tell me how much he appreciated me and (do i dare admit it?) i was happy he had broken his arm... but then the pain got worse over the days and the swelling kicked in so he spent most of the day in bed in and out of pill comas and i watched a lot of movies by myself. I stayed at his place because i got paranoid that he would stop breathing in his sleep, so that was fun. If i wasn't awake because of his rolling around trying to find a way to not be in total pain, i was jolting myself awake to listen for his breathing. So week one was rough but we got through it, week too has been a gradual decline. I've run out of clean clothes so i've resorted to wearing his sweat pants and big t-shirt. I felt kind of weird and frumpy at first but after a few days i told myself no one comes over and he's in sweat pants and t-shirts too, so we might as well be frumpy together.
Two weeks of being a maid and nurse and girlfriend and mom has been hard on me for reasons of not knowing when to put what game hat on. When is it time to take off the chef-nurse hat and just be the girlfriend. Or when is it time to give some tough love and be a bit of a mom? It's fucking hard. And on top of having to take care of my boyfriend, I still my my own apartment to check on and pay bills for and make time to go to the gym and put gas in my car so i can go to work. But i have to stay positive, because i've been watching his normally positive attitude fade. Which is harder to see that anything else.
This morning we had our monthly talk of our relationship getting too predictable and he asks himself if he's still in love with me and if he's still attracted to me. He says after thinking about it, its clearly still yes but the fact that he has to think about it scares the SHHIIITTT out of me. I don't have to think about it. It's just yes to me. I'm here taking up all my time to make sure he can eat and have clean clothes to wear and not go insane that he couldn't paint or play xbox for the first week. I saw him tear up just saying that he's lost all confidence and he's really disappointed in himself and he wears pijamas all day and has a crazy beard going. I think he looks adorable but i know from personal experience, it doesn't matter if someone tells you they think you're super hot, if you don't feel it for yourself, you might as well be a pile of garbage. And then he brought up that we've been together for two whole weeks and he kind of stopped seeing me as his hot girlfriend and just as a good friend thats been here in pijamas with him cooking and cleaning.
So there it is. The problem. The ever recurring good-deed-biting me in the ass. I'm here busting my ass to show him how much i care about him and its just looking like im a dude that makes food for him. and who wants to be intimate with a dude that cooks? no one...well no guys... okay maybe a few guys but im talking about my boyfriend. and the answer is no, he does not want to be intimate with a girl in sweat pants covered in paint and food that's been in his face for two solid weeks. and it sucks. but what do i do? i felt it coming because i can always been these talks coming, and i spent the day at my own place yesterday watching movies on my laptop laughing at my relationship because i knew he was at his place also watching movies on his laptop but i was hiding at my place to let him feel like he's not trapped in a routine. but jesus. i am supposed to have to hide out at my own place to make sure he doesn't feel trapped? wouldn't i want someone who wants me around as much as i would like to be around them? im getting blog deja vu. I've totally already typed that line in an older post.
...So what am i doing? in love with a guy who's afraid of routine and living with a girl. when I don't mind routine to a certain extent and would like to eventually live with him. can this work? am i being young and blind? can this work or should i save myself the heartbreak that might come later?....but what if he changes his mind and decides that he does want me around all the time?
AHH i hate this. i hate to question everything. i just want it to be simple. He did say that he was not in the right mind set to be talking like this because he has nothing but time to question his life and all the components in it. so he said he's just talking to make sure he doesn't bottle it up an then start to believe it. He started school again today and i think it could not have come soon enough. I think it will be great for him to be outside of the apartment and to see other people and maybe be excited to come to me?
Alright now that i've cried my face off and typed out all the shitty part, what am i supposed to learn from this?
1. I cant hide from my own issues by putting all my attention on someone else.
2. I have to figure out if this relationship is worth being upset every month by a guy that's not 100% on the same page as me for the future.
3. Dont be afraid to myself first. I'm not going to get dumped if i say no. and if i do, #2 will be resolved.
I think thats it... I'm going to go to the gym and work out my stress. Lets see how long i can go before writing another post just like this one....
p.s Ive been painting marilyn. Im still not done but it's on its way.
Wow. Première fois sur ton blog. je me demandais si tu l'entretenais et qu'est-ce que tu devenais... j'ai reculé de quelques mois après avoir lu un de tes nouveau post qui dit que ta pas recenti rien pour un gars depuis moi et la phase ou "I was treating you like ****". C'est un peu raide mais J'admet . Je trouve ça drôle et ironique de lire tout ca. Sans vouloir stoker ton blog comme un psychopathe je suis directement tombé sur cet article et je l'ai lu. Ca fait drôle de repenser à tout ca...et surtout de voir la différence de point de vue. Je réalise que ce n'était pas une très belle période de ma vie et que ton interprétation est juste. Je regrette d'avoir été aussi égoiste et je te remercie d'avoir été patiente. J'ai simplement sous-estimé ta présence...
ReplyDeleteJ'ai souvent une pensé dans ta direction. J'espère que tu vas bien et que tu es bien dans ton nouvel environnement. Je te souhaite le meilleur. tu le mérite plus que personne que je connais. Voilà, je ne m'éterniserai pas. Take Care Lindsay. J'espère que la vie fera en sorte que nos chemins se recroise dans un avenir rapproché.